Category: RANDOM THOUGHTS

Parkinson’s disease is classified as a movement disorder. The human body needs a chemical that certain cells in the brain were designed to produce. That chemical enables the body to move correctly. For some reason, as many as 20 years ago, those cells in my brain started to die. After about 80 percent of them were dead, my body started acting peculiar. It began to ignore what my brain was telling it to do. My body also began doing things my brain was not directing it to do. My body began to rebel. With the demise of those certain brain cells, the authority my brain had over the actions of my body began to break down, but not completely. My brain is still in control for the most part. But slowly, different systems of my body are acting on their own. This is happening with both types of movement, voluntary movement and involuntary movement.  With voluntary movement, like walking, my brain tells my legs to move a certain way to achieve a normal walking stride. My legs refuse and start a kind of shuffling movement. Without that chemical those brain cells previously produced, my legs ignore my brain’s instructions. They move the way they want too.

Then there’s involuntary movement, like digestion. When I eat, my brain tells my digestive tract to move the food through my body at a certain rate so the good parts of the food can be used where my body needs it and any waste can be disposed of all in a timely fashion. But again, without that chemical, everything slows down. My brain tells my digestive system to move things along at the normal rate. Instead, the system slows and backs up.

As time goes by, my body’s rebellion is intensifying. More systems are affected. My brain’s ability to maintain control is being compromised. With others that have this condition, movement has been known to stop. They refer to it as “freezing”. A person will be shuffling along and all of a sudden, their legs will just stop. They can’t move. When this happens, the persons brain needs a reboot. Many times, this can be accomplished by placing a small obstacle on the floor in front of the frozen person. The presence of this obstacle does something in the person’s brain that allows it to direct the legs to move again. Some people with this challenge use a walking cane that will shine a laser beam across their path that appears as an obstacle to the brain and they can move again.

I have heard people say that when an ability is lost, like sight or hearing, the person will dream and in the dreams what they lost is regained. They say the same regarding people that lose a limb. In their dreams, they are whole and can run and throw a ball. When I dream, I dream of movement. My body does what my brain tells it to do when and how my brain tells it to.

To get good at any physical activity requires what is called muscle memory. Repeating a certain movement until the body moves that way without even thinking about it. It’s necessary to do this if you’re learning to shoot a gun well or throw a football. My body has lost its memory. When I dream of movement, I wake and I remember the feeling of the movement in the dream. Then with the first movement of the day, the truth that my body muscles have lost their memory becomes instantly clear.

They say Parkinson’s is not fatal. That’s good. I haven’t heard of anyone’s heart or lungs that have stopped because of the lack of dopamine.” That’s the name of the chemical that the dead cells produced.  So, things could be much worse.

I just have to deal with my dreams keeping the memories of movement alive.

I have Parkinson’s disease because my brain no longer produces a chemical called dopamine. My body needs this chemical to move and function correctly. My brain can no longer produce dopamine due to the fact that the cells that make it are dying. It may be ten to twenty years after they start to die that a person will notice any significant symptoms.

There is no test a doctor can do to diagnose Parkinson’s disease. It is a symptom diagnosed condition. When I saw the neurologist in 2009, I was referred to him by my family doctor after I described some things I had noticed going wrong. The neurologist spent about thirty minutes asking me questions and having me move different parts of my body. When the 30 minutes were over, he looked at me and said, “You definitely have Parkinson’s disease.”

He prescribed some pills for me to take that trick the brain into thinking they are dopamine. He told me that PD is a progressive, degenerative condition which means over time it will continually get worse. The good news he told me was that it isn’t fatal. People die with Parkinson’s, not from Parkinson’s. He also said most people have about ten years to continue working before the PD symptoms worsen to the point that working is no longer an option. But it’s different for everyone.

The insidious part is even though it may take twenty years before you know you have it, symptoms start almost immediately after the first cell perishes. Looking back from here, I recognize what my first symptom was. About twenty years ago I lost my sense of smell. That is a common non-motor symptom of PD. But of course, by itself there is no way to recognize it as a part of Parkinson’s. Slowly over the years, more things would show up from time to time that were troubling, but they all seemed unrelated. About 15 years ago, I started really suffering from depression and anxiety for no reason. Life was good. Great wife…great kids…great job…nice house. Life was exceeding my expectations. So why couldn’t I enjoy any of it and why was I so miserable. Again, I had no idea depression is a common PD symptom.

When people are confronted by something unexplainable and difficult to live with, we develop Coping Mechanisms. They are things we do to make the pain tolerable. Whether the pain comes from physical or mental sickness or heartbreak or loss. Hopefully, the mechanism we develop is a positive one, not alcohol or illegal drugs.

For the depression, I developed the habit of walking every day. I found a tree lined road close to my house and I would walk its length and back. Rain or shine, day or night, I would walk. Also, when it was warm out, every Sunday evening I would drive to the prettiest lake and watch the sunset.

I would of course take God with me on these walks and to these sunsets, but He would only listen. I knew He was there and I knew He was hearing me. I trusted Him enough to just let Him stay quiet.

 

Then one day, my wife and I were walking somewhere. She looked at me and said, ” Your left arm isn’t swinging when you walk.” We walked a little more and sure enough, it wasn’t. It just kind of hung there awkwardly. I started to think about all the weird things that had been accumulating over the years and the next time I saw my family doctor, I told him about all of them. When I had finished, he said, ” Sounds to me like Parkinson’s. That’s when he made the appointment for me with the neurologist.

I had two initial reactions to the news that I had PD. First was a profound feeling of relief. What’s worse than suffering is suffering for no apparent reason. Now my suffering had a name, Parkinson’s disease. Second, I immediately began to develop my coping mechanisms.

It’s been a long and ever-changing process. As I lose my ability to do things, I replace them with alternatives when I can. One of the things I have lost that is the hardest to adjust to is the inability to walk more than a short time. My walk is now a shuffle and after a short time I have to sit. There is also the constant danger of falling, (one of the two main reasons for someone with PD to be hospitalized. The other is choking). So, to keep my spirits up and allow me to get outside and get some exercise, I ride a bike every day. That’s my #1 coping mechanism. Of course, not the two-wheel kind. I would go maybe two ft and fall over sideways. Mine has three wheels. One in the front and two in the back. It’s called a recumbent delta trike.

I thank God for my trike. Other than when I’m sleeping, the only other time I don’t feel the Parkinson’s is when I’m riding my bike.

 

P.S. I have discovered that most of the time, God works silently.

 

 

When you have a progressive, degenerative sickness like Parkinson’s disease or any long-term health condition or injury, there is a tendency to become selfish. We are told by God to consider other people’s needs above our own. Most of my life I have known this command and have tried to live it. Now that I’m sick, I’m finding it more difficult to do. The requirements and demands of the disease are getting in the way.

Growing up a Christian trying to live an unselfish life, I know how hard it can be to deny ourselves and put someone else first. I understand why God asked us to do this. It’s one of those things that makes sense after the fact. The root of selfishness is pride. Selfishness is loving ourselves instead of loving God and others.

When I wasn’t sick, being unselfish was something I could choose to be. It was just a matter of making the right choice. There were no obstacles keeping me from choosing to be unselfish.

Now, Parkinson’s disease is conspiring with my body and brain to look inward rather than outward. Outward to the needs of others is where my gaze should be fixed.

Before my sickness, the moment by moment decisions and needs were mostly under my control. A situation would arise and I was free to decide what to do. A need would present itself, either for me or someone else, and I was free to fulfill or deny the need. What I found out about God was if I kept my attention on the needs of others, my needs would be taken care of. I had very little reason to look inward at my own needs. God always provided. I was free to consider other’s needs and the needs of my wife, my children, family, friend’s, employers, co-workers and strangers. Anyone that crossed my path. Many times, I failed in my attempt to live an unselfish life, but to live unselfishly was my desire.

Today, as I write this I find I am becoming a selfish person. A person that is more and more considering my needs more than the needs of others. I still know that God requires me to consider others more than I consider myself. It’s getting harder. When every part of my body is screaming, ” I’m in pain,” or ” I don’t want to move,” or ” I’m going to move whether you want me to or not,” it’s hard not to fix my gaze inward. When I refer to the selfishness of sickness, I can only speak of Parkinson’s disease/ Arthritis. (I have not spoken with many other sick people about what is being screamed at them, but I would imagine the screams are similar to mine and they are also being drawn inward).

These are a few of the obstacles Parkinson’s has placed in my path to being unselfish.

Making it difficult to find a place to be comfortable and remain comfortable for more than a short time.

Taking away my ability to walk more than a few steps without becoming exhausted.

Taking away my ability to stand unaided for more than a few minutes without having to sit.

Taking away my ability to speak loudly and clearly enough for people to understand what I am trying to say. With that, taking away my desire to speak because of frustration and embarrassment.

Taking away my desire for normal conversation because of fatigue and frustration.

Taking away the pleasure of eating out in public because of the fear of choking.

Taking away the pleasure of just leaving my house because of the fear of falling or just getting into a situation out of my control.

These obstacles and others that just show up regularly are making it hard to not be selfish. They cause me to want to always control my surroundings to meet my needs.

I know that God still wants me to do what He has asked us to do. He wants me to love Him. He wants me to trust Him. He wants me to love those around me. Because I am sick, those around me are fewer than before. My ability and opportunity to touch people’s lives is diminishing. I also know that being sick does not excuse me from being unselfish.

I was talking with my wife last night. I told her that I was concerned about the future and that my life was getting smaller and smaller and could soon disappear. Her response resulted in one of those moments that had the possibility of changing the course of the rest of my life. She told me I was fortunate and in a unique place. She said most Christians desire to know God better but the tyranny of the immediate, the demands of life and of time does not allow them to spend the time with God that they would like. She said I have been set free from that. Even though my body is bound, my mind and spirit are free to pursue God without limitation. Now that’s interesting. As long as my mind and spirit are free, I am free to live an unselfish life. It doesn’t matter if it comes to the point that my body can’t leave the house. I can still live the life God wants me to live. I can commit acts of unselfishness despite any obstacle placed in my path.

As I live out the rest of this blink of an eye that’s my life here on earth, I will probably be a tad selfish regarding what I must do to live a life with Parkinson’s. I may need to use tools to cope with the effects of the disease that will appear to be selfish. But my heart’s desire and my resolve will be to consider you and your needs above my own, whenever and however I can.

Even when you have more years behind you than are ahead of you, there are beginnings. They become less frequent as the years go by, but they never stop until you stop. Every moment is an opportunity for something new to begin. I have been married for 33 years and raised 3 people. I have worked ever since I was 15. I have lived a life that has risen above my expectations. That doesn’t mean the sun has always shined. It has rained. But for some reason the sun has been brighter and it has rained less often than I imagined it would. It’s hard to say where the expectations that my life has risen above came from. I just thought when I got here and looked back, I would not have enjoyed my life as much as I have. I feel there are two primary reasons for this.

#1 – I have great parents.

#2 – I found Jesus, (or He found me,) when I was 6 years old.

Because of those two factors, I have been able to make more good choices than bad choices. I don’t know why I had the parents I had or why God allowed me to find Him. I don’t know why other people have bad parents, or were born someplace where they didn’t find God. I do know that we live in a world we created. A better way to say it is, we live in a world we recreated. God created the world and mankind perfect. A part of that perfection was He gave us the power of choice. When we were confronted with the first choice between right and wrong, we chose poorly.  Our choice recreated the world. From the moment we did this, our choices from day to day and moment to moment have set into motion… disease, hunger, poverty, violence, injustice, perversion, lying, selfishness and everything else that flies in the face of perfection. We are responsible for all that is wrong in the world. Our bad choice even threw off the balance of nature and the universe. When what we call “a natural disaster” happens and things are broken and people die, the question is asked, “Why would God allow this to happen?” When what should be called “an unnatural disaster” happens, it’s our fault, not God’s. It’s our fault that there is hunger and poverty in the world. Even in this fallen world, we have the resources to meet most people’s needs…we just choose not to or turn away.

God is good, all the time. Satan is bad, all the time.

It was up to us which one to choose when the first choice was made. It’s been up to us ever since.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christian’s get sick.

The first time the words “Parkinson’s Disease” were applied to me back in 2009, I started to think about healing. I believe that the supernatural removal of sickness and injury by God is real. I believe that my family and I have been the receivers of supernatural healing. It’s like my belief in the other things we thank God for…wisdom, protection, provision, joy and everything else that I believe God supernaturally gives us. God is active in our lives and cares about us. I also believe His ability to provide these things for us is limited. Limited not by Him, but limited by the fact that man changed God’s original universe.

We, mankind, started out perfect. God made us that way. We didn’t get sick, we had no lack. Everything was provided for us and it was all good. But we were not satisfied with everything. We wanted more. We wanted something we were not made to have. We wanted something more than God. We wanted something apart from God. We wanted to be God. And when a creature that had wanted the same thing, and had suffered the consequences, offered those things to us, we said yes. From that moment, we have suffered the consequences of wanting more than God and the choice of saying yes to the creature’s offer.

But instead of giving up on mankind, God has been working ever since to restore us to our original state of perfection. He desires our restoration so much, that He was willing to sacrifice His Son to achieve it. Everything He has done here on earth and beyond, ever since we believed the lie that there is anything more than God, has been done for our restoration. But even though His act of offering His Son provided the way for mankind to be restored, we have to want to be restored and accept it the way He provided.

We still live in a world that offers us more than God, even though those things do not exist. We still live in a world that offers life apart from God. It is an illusion. But we are still given the choice of God or more than God. And most still choose the illusion.

We, the people that choose God, still have to live in a world that was given away. That is the result of mankind wanting and choosing more than God. We gave it away to the creature that offered us the illusion that there was more than God. God had given the world to man to have dominion, and we gave the right to be here and work here to the creature. Even though God has provided the way for our restoration to perfection, we are still born and live out our lives in bodies that are made of the same material this fallen earth is made of. And we are subject to the same imperfections. We get sick. We get injured. We are born with flaws. We can find ourselves in a place of not having the basic things we need to live. The whole universe from our bodies to the stars, continually groan for the sons of God to be revealed. That has not happened yet. When it does, we will no longer get sick. Our bodies will never need healing. And we will return to the perfection God originally planned for us. Until then, Christians get sick. It seems like, some get healed, some don’t.

 

 

Despite the differences in appearance, hair color…. eye color…. skin color…. male or female, we are all born the same. We are simply human.

Not a part of a group or tribe or color or anything else. Nothing that would distinguish us from any other human that has ever lived or will ever live. Anything that labels us was put there, by ourselves or someone else. The truest connection we all have is that we are all born lost. The only thing that really matters is will we remain lost.

We will all die.

After we are dead, we will all stand before God. Everyone. The place where we will stand will be flat and level. There will be no status or position or labels. We will all be the same.

We will all be asked one question. It will not be one of these;

What did you eat or what did you refrain from eating?

What did you touch or what did you avoid touching?

What did you do or what didn’t you do?

What group were you a part of?

The question that will be asked will be, “Did you believe Jesus?”

If the answer is yes, the reason it’s yes will not be because of anything done or not done during our life. Except for one thing. Did we believe Him and what He did?

There is a question that could be asked, but won’t be asked. “What evidence can be offered to prove your belief in Jesus?” If the question was asked, the answer would be “None.” But the question won’t be asked.

Evidence will not be presented. If evidence were to be allowed to be presented, it would not include eating this or not eating that, doing this good thing or doing that bad thing. It could include a life of loving God with everything. A life of loving others more than loving ourselves.

I believe that one of the gifts God gave everyone through Jesus was freedom and simplicity. In all my years of knowing Jesus, the truth is, for myself and many others I have met along the way, trying to figure out what God wants to say to me, “Me”, has been a challenge that kept me in a place of frustration and confusion for a long time.

Then I realized something. God’s desire and expectation for everyone is to know Him and His Son. He would not have made it hard to do this. He would not expect this of us and desire this of us and then hide. He gave us a book that we could hold in our hands and understand. He wanted to tell us where we have been, where we are now and where we are going.

I’m still somewhat puzzled about where we have been and why He did some of the things he did and the way he did them. I’m pretty clear on where we are now and I do know where I’m going.

For the where we came from, I just need to trust Him to help me understand the things that I need to understand.

For the where we are now, I’m thankful to Him for the Holy Spirit that speaks to my spirit the deep mysteries and the simple truths of living a life for God and for other people. And as for knowing where I’m going, I’m thankful to Jesus for providing the way and the assurance of it.

I do understand that God would have wanted us to have made different choices, starting with our first parents saying no to the serpents offer. But they said yes. And even though they said yes, God still loved us. He loved us enough to provide a way for all of us to be able to come to a point in our lives where we have the opportunity to choose Him over something else. The same offer our first parents were given. And we are free to make the choice.

God’s plan has always been the same, to win us back. To save us from making the wrong choice. The bible is the story of Him doing that. It is a story with many different parts that take place over thousands of years. Much of the story applies to me directly and much of it applies to me indirectly.

This is what the bible story is;

Once upon a time, God created everything. He created a man and a woman. The man and woman had the ability to make a choice. To choose between God or something else. They chose something else. That choice separated the man and woman from God. The man and woman were now lost. All their children would be born lost. But God wanted them back. So, He made a way back. It would take a long time and the journey would be costly. So costly, that it would mean the death of His Son. But God loved us so much, He was willing to pay the price. God’s willingness to do this gave every man the right to make the choice between God and something else. Everyone has the opportunity to make the choice. Hopefully a better choice than our first parents made.

During the journey from our first parents until this moment, God has been working at restoring us to Him. He separated groups of people from each other by language and color. He made rules for men to follow for protection and direction until they were no longer needed. He sent his Son to restore us to Himself. He sent us a counselor to show us how to love and live.

And he has prepared a perfect place for us to be with Him and each other forever.

What gives us the right to enter this place is not who we are or what we have or haven’t done or how much we had or didn’t have. The right is a gift freely given simply by loving God and His Son and living a life that shows it, and by loving others more than ourselves and living a life that shows it.

Everyone that tries to add extra requirements for entry into this perfect place are wasting their time. Everyone that tries to earn the right to enter by what they do or refrain from doing will remain lost forever without God.

That’s simply the Bibles story.

So, when God asks us the only question we will be asked to answer, what will our answer be?

Remember, it will be a yes or no question.