I’m jealous of the air. Moment by moment she desires it unceasingly. The air doesn’t care if she desires it or not. The air doesn’t care.
I’m jealous of the sun. Day by day she desires its warmth and light. The sun doesn’t care if she desires it or not. The sun doesn’t care.
I’m jealous of the rain. She misses it when its gone too long. The rain doesn’t care if she misses it or not. The rain doesn’t care.
I’m jealous of water. She regularly desires to have it touching her body. Every part of her body. Parts of her body that have always exclusively been saved for water and me. Water doesn’t care if it touches her or not. Water doesn’t care.
I’m jealous of a piece of glass. Glass that she touches many times a day. Glass that encourages and strengthens her relationship with others. The glass doesn’t care if she touches it or not. The glass doesn’t care.
The reason for the jealousy is not due to her. The reason is me. Something that is a part of me neither of us wanted or asked for. Parkinson’s disease.
All these things I’m jealous of are due to my inability to show her how much I need her and desire her. Relationship, especially marriage relationship requires subtle messages being communicated between the two people. Parkinson’s has robbed me of that ability. Without those subtle messages from me, she has no idea what my desires and wants are. Parkinson’s has also taken away most of my ability to physically express my ever-increasing love and desire for her. Limitations in my body due to rigidity and pain and my voice and communication challenges make it almost impossible to romance her the way she needs to be romanced by her husband.
Having Parkinson’s disease is hard, both for me and the one that promised herself to me forever.
I’m sure that there may be a small amount of jealousy when she sees another happily married couple that are not burdened with this hideous intruder invading their lives. But that’s ok. My hope is that she can still enjoy what we do have together and not mourn to much the things we have lost. And I hope she will always know of my love and desire for her, even as I lose the ability to show it.