The days feel different now. I feel my limitations getting increasingly limiting. Before I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, I felt the symptoms, but I didn’t know what they were. It felt like I was suffering for no reason. As strange as it sounds, I was relieved when I discovered there was a reason. Now the relief I felt when I was first diagnosed is being replaced with the prospect of what the future may hold. At first I busied myself with trying to find and refine coping mechanisms in preparation for current and future limitations. I was also busy learning as much as I could about living with this disease. I now have reached a point where I have refined my coping routine and learned as much as I want to learn about PD. At this stage, most of what I read and learn I find discouraging. When I was in the early stages of the disease, I found it therapeutic to think through, write and share the process of coming to grips with living this new life. I also enjoyed thinking and writing about being a Christian and having an incurable disease. Jesus did a lot of healing. There is much in the Bible about healing. When you are a sick Christian, you must come to some conclusions as to why you are sick and if you should be healed. And if you should be healed, why aren’t you. I have written previously my thoughts as to the why’s and the why not’s. (www.slowhandjourney.com). At this juncture, my conclusions have remained for the most part the same as they have been. I have left room for the possibility that my conclusions are wrong. I realize that I am just a human with the limitations of a human mind. I’m also limited by the time I’m living in and all the thoughts and ideas that I have been exposed to all my life. There are also all the things I have personally experienced. I have the Holy Spirit living inside my Parkinson’s body. God is fully aware what is going on inside my brain and body. Based on all these factors, I have formed my opinion on what I think is true. If God wants to let me know my conclusions about healing are wrong, I’m open.
Now, as I sit on my front porch, it feels like I have reached a kind of milestone. These last 9 years after my diagnosis have been a process of getting ready for Parkinson’s disease. Personally… financially…relationally…mentally and spiritually. Even though I can only prepare just so much for an unknown future, I have done the best I can. I no longer have to go to work…there is enough money to meet our needs…I have my wife who loves me and assures me she is with me for the long haul, (even though I’m still at the point that I don’t need much assistance yet)…I live in an age of good drugs…and I know I’m going to heaven when I die. Things could be a lot worse.
So, even though the days are feeling different, with abilities I took for granted being taken out of my reach, I will keep it my mission to count my blessings. I will continue to trust God, healing or no healing.
I do realize that everyone that reads this has their own challenges. Most of the world is dealing with things that are much harder than my difficulty moving and some pain. I just want to say that I know God is big enough for my minor inconveniences and any challenge anyone else has.